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Jan. 31st, 2009

random thought

i hate how it can be so hard to do something
and then so easy to get then undone.

Dec. 30th, 2008

i have more to say todayy...

man, i have so many questions.
life is so confusing! 

i was reading Night over break for english class. and i don't understand how people can be so cruel.
i'm so glad that in america, we have such wonderful freedom, i mean, these people believed what they wanted, and were punished for it!
they were thrown into fires to die. to burn alive! 
they were hit until they broke in two.
they were hung, even when they were too light, they were left to hang and suffer until they finally died.
it's insane and disgusting.
im so thankful.
but i don't understand
i don't know my questions yet. 
i just wish someone could fix what happened. 

i feel like writing

but what?
sometimes when i'm on a car ride i think of the most random things. i just let my mind wander.
like on my way home from cape cod, i was thinking about jobs and talents. 
someone could be a ballerina, and be extremely good at it, but couldn't i say that i was a ballerina too, but just be at a very low level of it?
i mean, if you think about it, we all are whatever we want, some people are just better at things than others.
this is the stupidest thing i've ever written i think

also, i'm nervous.
do you think that if you ... do one thing wrong that someone won't like you anymore? could their whole view of you change because of one way you do something? :(
i'm nervous.

Dec. 9th, 2008

there's a hole in your heart..

it seems like when you miss something enough, anything that reminds you of that person just makes things worse, and you just want to get rid of it all and throw it away.
but you don't want to forget them completely because they meant so much to you.
the worst is calling them. when you hear their voice and then you think they haven't really left.
then it hits you.
they are gone. and not coming back. they just left me. to be here all alone. and even though you have family and friends around, you still feel like there's no one.
sometimes i wish i hadn't met this person. but then know it's good that i had. because they were so great. but is it worth knowing someone who is really great, when its so much harder to deal with them leaving?
i wish this could be easier. but it's not. and i don't know how to deal with it...

and most of all, i don't want a replacement.
the way i see it, there's a big hole in my heart.
my heart is many different colors and the color of the hole, the part that was taken away was a specific color. brown lets say..
if i meet a new person, no one is going to be the exact shade as the part that left. and i don't want it to be filled with the wrong color. i want that color back in my heart where it's supposed to be. that big place in my heart.
i mean, now theres just a small shade of their color.
but any other brown, i don't want. any other COLOR i don't want.
maybe i'm just not open to change.

who knows. i'm rambling. and this is stupid. ugh.

Nov. 30th, 2008


i used to love watching this video. it had all of the people i loved in it. and although i still love all of those people, i can hardly watch this video without crying.

the first words of the song "i am not skilled to understand, what God has willed, what God has planned." are very powerful words. and very true. i don't at all understand what God has planned and i know that he puts me through situations to help me learn something, but sometimes i don't know what i'm supposed to be learning.

this happens to me all the time. i should be used to God taking people away from me. but why is it so much harder this time? whenever i think about how God has taken away people i love, and ruined some of my close relationships, i think of what he could be trying to tell me. and i've only come up with one answer. he wants me to know that his love is greater than all of those people.
i think that sometimes i don't love God. i only love my friends. a lot of times i love them more than him, but in that i am thinking that i am loving God.
I get so crushed when someone leaves me. and God wants me to know that HIS love should be even STRONGER than my love was toward that person. and a lot of the time, its not.
i think he really wants me to understand this concept because he does it to me all the time. people leave my life and never come back and break my heart. and when i'm finally happy again, and alright with my life, he does it again.

what i don't understand is how God could hurt me so. he knows that i cry myself to sleep every night and that i'm always sad. so why does he do this to me? is it only because he wants me to love him more and realize he's more important than those friendships that have now been lost?
if so, i don't think that's right.
if not, what else is he trying to teach  me?
and if he's trying to teach me something else, why haven't i figured it out yet?
i'm trying to find out why he would do this to me. i'm trying to figure out the mystery of what he's trying to tell me through these situations, but i can't figure it out. so do i have to go through losing friends forever until i finally realize?

whenever one of my friends leaves, i listen to music to save me.
right now, i've been listening to the song "lost" by michael buble.
in the song, michael says "you are not alone. i'm always here with you."
so when i hear it, i remember God is with me. even though i don't completely understand his plans for me, he's there and will love me.

i miss you guys...

January 2009



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