i used to love watching this video. it had all of the people i loved in it. and although i still love all of those people, i can hardly watch this video without crying.
the first words of the song "i am not skilled to understand, what God has willed, what God has planned." are very powerful words. and very true. i don't at all understand what God has planned and i know that he puts me through situations to help me learn something, but sometimes i don't know what i'm supposed to be learning.
this happens to me all the time. i should be used to God taking people away from me. but why is it so much harder this time? whenever i think about how God has taken away people i love, and ruined some of my close relationships, i think of what he could be trying to tell me. and i've only come up with one answer. he wants me to know that his love is greater than all of those people.
i think that sometimes i don't love God. i only love my friends. a lot of times i love them more than him, but in that i am thinking that i am loving God.
I get so crushed when someone leaves me. and God wants me to know that HIS love should be even STRONGER than my love was toward that person. and a lot of the time, its not.
i think he really wants me to understand this concept because he does it to me all the time. people leave my life and never come back and break my heart. and when i'm finally happy again, and alright with my life, he does it again.
what i don't understand is how God could hurt me so. he knows that i cry myself to sleep every night and that i'm always sad. so why does he do this to me? is it only because he wants me to love him more and realize he's more important than those friendships that have now been lost?
if so, i don't think that's right.
if not, what else is he trying to teach me?
and if he's trying to teach me something else, why haven't i figured it out yet?
i'm trying to find out why he would do this to me. i'm trying to figure out the mystery of what he's trying to tell me through these situations, but i can't figure it out. so do i have to go through losing friends forever until i finally realize?
whenever one of my friends leaves, i listen to music to save me.
right now, i've been listening to the song "lost" by michael buble.
in the song, michael says "you are not alone. i'm always here with you."
so when i hear it, i remember God is with me. even though i don't completely understand his plans for me, he's there and will love me.
i miss you guys...